I had a wonderful experience recently. My friend got married and I was a groomsman. I was able to be there the whole day, including walking, standing and sitting, without needing my wheelchair, and was able to engage in conversation with lots of nice people to a decent level, much higher than previously. I had a few rests throughout, having a lie down in a room on my own, but these were relatively short, around 15 mins at a time.

I paid the price in post-exertional malaise over the subsequent week, but to a much lesser level than a few years ago, in part because although my physical energy was depleted, my social and emotional batteries had been replenished through the connection I experienced, which filled me with life. It was truly special to be a part of it.

I felt at the time, and still feel, a deep gratitude at having been able to take part, at having enough energy to do so. It reminded me of parts of myself that I’d forgotten.

At the same time, engaging with the world in this way also brought up a lot of grief. It was there all along, it was just me that wasn’t a part of it.

It brings home the huge loss we’ve faced, as it’s now staring us in the face - this is what you could have won. In the day to day restricted life of being ill, it’s easy and often good to forget this, and we have other priorities, like simply getting through the day. It can be too much to process, especially when it’s a lived reality.

Other emotions can come up too - shame especially, particularly if you feel like a burden on others and that your illness makes you in some way lesser than them.

Handling conflicting emotions like this is normal, and we likely experience it in many places. For example, a friend getting a promotion might make us feel elated for them, but also envious or humiliated at the same time.

But it can still be overwhelming to hold many competing feelings, especially without the energy reserves to handle them. And we can start to criticise ourselves for having these feelings, and to delegitimise them.

As ever, self acceptance and compassion is the oasis in the desert of self flagellation. Feeling difficult emotions is hard enough without extra layers of judgement.

Emotions that seem conflicting can also compliment each other. My gratitude is deepened because of my grief, because I know what it’s like to have lost agency through illness. When its restored in part for a while, as at the wedding, it’s truly meaningful.

Gratitude, grief and other emotions are real and legitimate. Grief teaches us what we really value, what’s really important. And gratitude helps us appreciate those things when we have them.